Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
