Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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