i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
