I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
