Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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