Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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