I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
