just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
