I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
