I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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