the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Semen is not good for contacts.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
