happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
