Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
