It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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