If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize