I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
