Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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