Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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