i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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