I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
