I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
