My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
