I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize