Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
