Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
