Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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