If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
