he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
