I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
