I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
