Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
