his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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