i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
