Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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