today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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