She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
