the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
