dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
