it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
