Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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