You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
