that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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