Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
