do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm too high and old for this...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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