I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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