I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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