He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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