The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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