I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
