im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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