I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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