I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
