Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
