how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
