I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Randomize
