Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
