thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
