I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
this just has baby written all over it
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
